11.10.2009
11.08.2009
patience
I used to think I was a pretty patient person. When I was a kid and would accompany my mom and/or grandma to go shopping I could sit for hours, just waiting, twiddling my thumbs, reading a book, letting my imagination run wild. No complaints or whining like your typical (not to boast or anything) 6-12 year old, high on a life of "new experiences and thoughts," excited by this most-important discovery of "not having to listen to your parents." Even now I'd say I'm a decently patient person. When I need to meet someone or be somewhere I know how to wait. As someone who naturally worries, it definitely can be hard -- there's different scenarios that could have happened, there's the frustration of not knowing what's happening on the other end, in other cases the anger at feeling duped or disrespected -- but even if it seems like maybe the person forgot or got caught up in something, or that maybe I got the dates wrong, etc etc etc, I can wait, cling onto that hope that yes, I just need to wait a few more minutes, and after a few more minutes go by, maybe just 10 more minutes. Anyways, you get what I'm trying to say.
The fact is, though I might know a little bit about patience on the surface level (on the small scale of minutes and sometimes even hours), I've still got so much to learn -- in my heart I'm an impatient person, quick to give up, easy to question, generally lacking in faith. Sometimes it is so hard. You know, really hard. I'm talking harder than taking an orgo exam without studying.. maybe even harder than my abs -- though that in itself is hard (to believe). There is so much uncertainty, so many questions:
When will Rice win its first football game?
Why can't I figure out this problem set?
When will I find true love or even just someone who likes me back? What people is God going to put in my life that i can count on, that I can share with, or even just be comfortable with? Who will he send to disciple me and shape me?
Where will I go to med school or grad school?
Why can't I love God more, have more faith in him, have more love for others? Why can't I change? When is it going to happen and how long is it going to take?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The list goes on, I'm sure for each and everyone one of us. But you know what, C'est la vie.
But I don't say that in a resigned-sigh-shoulders-shrugging-"Oh well" type of way but a my-hope-is-in-something-true-and-everlasting type of way. Of course life is tough. The answers you hope for might never come. Maybe your dream is to be a star athlete and one day you wake up and your legs don't function. Maybe your dream is to have the perfect family and one day a loved one passes away. Maybe your dream is to find love and one day your heart is broken. Whatever the case, inevitably, i think things are worked out for the good of God, and thus for the good of ourselves. James writes: "Be patient, then brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains." (5:7)
From personal experience, I can attest to how God has been so faithful in my life and also to a good deal of the people around me. He's taken broken relationships and made them new, not because of anything I've done -- not from telling more jokes or being nicer or more forgiving or having a nicer body or hairstyle -- but because of his Grace. He's blessed me and molded me even when I've had little faith and felt like life has slowed to a halt. And I do confess i fall into that trap often. I also fall into the trap of "waiting" in the pulling up a chair- or better yet a futon or hammock -- and just sitting (or lying down) sense. I neglect my responsibilities, give up on my work, give up on my relationships.
But in my heart, I pray and I hope as Nehemiah did. To a God whose days are like a thousand years, to a God who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commands...For me and for you, I pray that he gives us ears that are attentive and eyes that are open, hearts willing to be broken, a faith that stands strong, a love for one another...all for the sake of He who was, is, and is to come.
The fact is, though I might know a little bit about patience on the surface level (on the small scale of minutes and sometimes even hours), I've still got so much to learn -- in my heart I'm an impatient person, quick to give up, easy to question, generally lacking in faith. Sometimes it is so hard. You know, really hard. I'm talking harder than taking an orgo exam without studying.. maybe even harder than my abs -- though that in itself is hard (to believe). There is so much uncertainty, so many questions:
When will Rice win its first football game?
Why can't I figure out this problem set?
When will I find true love or even just someone who likes me back? What people is God going to put in my life that i can count on, that I can share with, or even just be comfortable with? Who will he send to disciple me and shape me?
Where will I go to med school or grad school?
Why can't I love God more, have more faith in him, have more love for others? Why can't I change? When is it going to happen and how long is it going to take?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The list goes on, I'm sure for each and everyone one of us. But you know what, C'est la vie.
But I don't say that in a resigned-sigh-shoulders-shrugging-"Oh well" type of way but a my-hope-is-in-something-true-and-everlasting type of way. Of course life is tough. The answers you hope for might never come. Maybe your dream is to be a star athlete and one day you wake up and your legs don't function. Maybe your dream is to have the perfect family and one day a loved one passes away. Maybe your dream is to find love and one day your heart is broken. Whatever the case, inevitably, i think things are worked out for the good of God, and thus for the good of ourselves. James writes: "Be patient, then brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains." (5:7)
From personal experience, I can attest to how God has been so faithful in my life and also to a good deal of the people around me. He's taken broken relationships and made them new, not because of anything I've done -- not from telling more jokes or being nicer or more forgiving or having a nicer body or hairstyle -- but because of his Grace. He's blessed me and molded me even when I've had little faith and felt like life has slowed to a halt. And I do confess i fall into that trap often. I also fall into the trap of "waiting" in the pulling up a chair- or better yet a futon or hammock -- and just sitting (or lying down) sense. I neglect my responsibilities, give up on my work, give up on my relationships.
But in my heart, I pray and I hope as Nehemiah did. To a God whose days are like a thousand years, to a God who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commands...For me and for you, I pray that he gives us ears that are attentive and eyes that are open, hearts willing to be broken, a faith that stands strong, a love for one another...all for the sake of He who was, is, and is to come.
10.30.2009
rereading special topics in calamity physics by marisha pessl again (didnt finish it the first time around). probably wont make as much sense or be as interesting without knowing what the book is about but i felt like sharing
some of my favorite lines/passages so far:
"dad's romances could last anywhere between a platypus egg incubation (19-21 days) and a squirrel pregnancy (24-45 days).
"I thus secretly concluded Hannah Schneider was a typo. Destiny had been sloppy. (Most likely because she was overworked. Kismet and Karma were too flighty to get anything done and Doom couldn't be trusted.) Quite by accident, she'd assigned an outstanding person of breathtaking beauty to a buried mountain town, where grandeur was like that slighted tree always falling in the woods and no one noticing. Somewhere else, in Paris, or Hong Kong probably, someone named Chase H. Niderhann with a face compelling as a baked potato and a voice like a throat clearing, happened to be living her life, a life of opera, of sun and lakes and weekend excursions to Kenya (pronounced "keen-YA"), of gowns that went "Shhhhh" across the floor.
"Officer Donnie Lee happened to have saturated himself in Paul Revere-like cologne (it rode far ahead of him, alerting all of his impending arrival)"
"I, of course, listened to every word she said and felt renewed sadness every time she looked at me without bothering to disguise her Utter Disappointment and Disillusion. Her Utter Disappointment and Disillusion didn't seem as severe when she looked at the others, and I was certain my observation wasn't an example of Dad's "Theory of Arrogance" -- that everyone always assumes their the Principal Character of Desire and/or Loathing in everybody else's Broadway play."
some of my favorite lines/passages so far:
"dad's romances could last anywhere between a platypus egg incubation (19-21 days) and a squirrel pregnancy (24-45 days).
"I thus secretly concluded Hannah Schneider was a typo. Destiny had been sloppy. (Most likely because she was overworked. Kismet and Karma were too flighty to get anything done and Doom couldn't be trusted.) Quite by accident, she'd assigned an outstanding person of breathtaking beauty to a buried mountain town, where grandeur was like that slighted tree always falling in the woods and no one noticing. Somewhere else, in Paris, or Hong Kong probably, someone named Chase H. Niderhann with a face compelling as a baked potato and a voice like a throat clearing, happened to be living her life, a life of opera, of sun and lakes and weekend excursions to Kenya (pronounced "keen-YA"), of gowns that went "Shhhhh" across the floor.
"Officer Donnie Lee happened to have saturated himself in Paul Revere-like cologne (it rode far ahead of him, alerting all of his impending arrival)"
"I, of course, listened to every word she said and felt renewed sadness every time she looked at me without bothering to disguise her Utter Disappointment and Disillusion. Her Utter Disappointment and Disillusion didn't seem as severe when she looked at the others, and I was certain my observation wasn't an example of Dad's "Theory of Arrogance" -- that everyone always assumes their the Principal Character of Desire and/or Loathing in everybody else's Broadway play."
10.14.2009
Are you living the good life?
Last week, having forgotten I had a looming Game Theory test when RSVPing, I attended the B Here Performance* at UH, a concert featuring an assortment of Asian American Youtube "Celebrities". My main reason for going was to see David Choi, a guy who guitar in hand could literally woo any girl's heart and gives us sensitive guys hope in this world. I was surprised to find, however, that he might not have even been my favorite act of the night. I'd never heard of Paul Dateh but he and his guitar buddy Ken Belcher really wowed me. A violin virtuoso with a silky smooth voice like Jason Mraz, Dateh provided a nice break from the pretty standard/uninspiring pop singer girls from the first half of the show**.
One song they played really stuck out to me though, in part cause it's really catchy and generally just the kind of chill song i like, but mostly cause the words made me feel sort of uneasy and go hmmmmmm.
I think most people would agree it's a happy song with a good message. Don't let fashion or money define who you are. Do what you want! Be who you want to be!
(chorus lyrics):
"cause all that matters is that you know what you want to accomplish in your life
cause i know you can be what you wanna be
you can do what you want
just keep your eyes on the prize and just hold on
cause confidence is really all you need to live your life in style
so just do what you gotta do"
I just remember sitting there thinking, "man, this is some good music," but then feeling a little saddened by the message. I have lots of respect for these two guys. They're funny/self-deprecating, incredibly talented, and they've got a groovy bounce to their step and a zest for life that is infective...But in the end what does that amount to? What is the "prize" he is telling us to hold onto? Becoming the person we want to be? Talent, music, experiences, your motivation and drive, all that is only going to take you so far. We can all live and lead Good Lives but when we pass away and the world forgets about us, what happens then?
Sometimes (I hate to admit it) but I feel constrained by Christianity. Why can't I live life the way I want to? Why do i have to live within these bounds of spirituality and righteousness, of how other Christians (and ultimately God) view me? Sometimes i wish i could just let go. do something crazy. do something regrettable. do something without caring what people think. Why can't I live life to the "fullest"/push the limits/live on the edge/at the very least live it the way I want to.
I guess at this point it really just depends on your point of view. As Christians (I'm coming to learn or at least hopefully learning or will someday learn) we are called to live life to the fullest. We just have a different definition of full. I don't think we are called to be in a tight/conservative/judging/entitled/ever-spiritual bubble. We are human and we live in this world for a reason. But how did we get here and why? Cause of God. Cause of his grace. and his mercy. and his love. his creation. In 1 John 4 it says how we are only able to love because God first loved us. So i think that's what it means to have a full life. To love because he first loved us. Of course this kind of "full life" comes with some sacrifice...in some sense we have to give up more of ourselves (and that's something I'm still working on), more of our "Good Life's". But I think through God our "Good lives" our made (beyond imagination) even better.
Some notes on the day(at this point im not sure why im still typing..so if you're still reading im def impressed. congrats!):
- Couple UH/Rice comparisons. For one, they know how to "dress" (i guess this depends on your standards of cool too though)...they've got their black-rimmed glasses, their shirts seem crisper and more crazy and colorful, more hair is gelled. there's generally just more of a "hip" feeling. and also girls wear more makeup... and less clothes. 2, While waiting for the show to begin: surrounded by said hip UH students chatting, me and Rick were studying Game Theory and Richard was working on Elec on his computer.
UH is nice:
- Wendy's.
- More people = more excitement
- continuation from above: The campus has a general buzz. It feels like a college.
- asians!
- Kevjumba's Dad was there!
- It was also interesting seeing how frenzied people were to meet the performers. People were even clamoring to get pictures with Kevin's dad(I'll admit i was one of those people). Johnny made a really good point to me a while back...we get so pumped and excited just to see/be close to celebrities. Yet, we're blessed with the opportunity to talk and pray to God whenever. Puts things into perspective doesn't it.
---------------------
*The main purpose of the B Here campaign is actually to spread awareness about Hepatitis B (aka the greatest health disparity between Asian and Caucasian Americans). For more info check out www.willyoubhere.com
**That said, David Choi is still my favorite <3 href="http://www.youtube.com/kevjumba#p/a">Kev Jumba (from Houston's very own Clements High School) and his Dad, Filipino Comedian Christine Gambito (HappySlip), 14 year old singing sensation/budding J-lo Jessica Sanchez (I'm pretty sure a lot of the guys in the audience were 1. disbelieving of and 2. dissappointed by her age), and another girl...forgot her name
One song they played really stuck out to me though, in part cause it's really catchy and generally just the kind of chill song i like, but mostly cause the words made me feel sort of uneasy and go hmmmmmm.
I think most people would agree it's a happy song with a good message. Don't let fashion or money define who you are. Do what you want! Be who you want to be!
(chorus lyrics):
"cause all that matters is that you know what you want to accomplish in your life
cause i know you can be what you wanna be
you can do what you want
just keep your eyes on the prize and just hold on
cause confidence is really all you need to live your life in style
so just do what you gotta do"
I just remember sitting there thinking, "man, this is some good music," but then feeling a little saddened by the message. I have lots of respect for these two guys. They're funny/self-deprecating, incredibly talented, and they've got a groovy bounce to their step and a zest for life that is infective...But in the end what does that amount to? What is the "prize" he is telling us to hold onto? Becoming the person we want to be? Talent, music, experiences, your motivation and drive, all that is only going to take you so far. We can all live and lead Good Lives but when we pass away and the world forgets about us, what happens then?
Sometimes (I hate to admit it) but I feel constrained by Christianity. Why can't I live life the way I want to? Why do i have to live within these bounds of spirituality and righteousness, of how other Christians (and ultimately God) view me? Sometimes i wish i could just let go. do something crazy. do something regrettable. do something without caring what people think. Why can't I live life to the "fullest"/push the limits/live on the edge/at the very least live it the way I want to.
I guess at this point it really just depends on your point of view. As Christians (I'm coming to learn or at least hopefully learning or will someday learn) we are called to live life to the fullest. We just have a different definition of full. I don't think we are called to be in a tight/conservative/judging/entitled/ever-spiritual bubble. We are human and we live in this world for a reason. But how did we get here and why? Cause of God. Cause of his grace. and his mercy. and his love. his creation. In 1 John 4 it says how we are only able to love because God first loved us. So i think that's what it means to have a full life. To love because he first loved us. Of course this kind of "full life" comes with some sacrifice...in some sense we have to give up more of ourselves (and that's something I'm still working on), more of our "Good Life's". But I think through God our "Good lives" our made (beyond imagination) even better.
Some notes on the day(at this point im not sure why im still typing..so if you're still reading im def impressed. congrats!):
- Couple UH/Rice comparisons. For one, they know how to "dress" (i guess this depends on your standards of cool too though)...they've got their black-rimmed glasses, their shirts seem crisper and more crazy and colorful, more hair is gelled. there's generally just more of a "hip" feeling. and also girls wear more makeup... and less clothes. 2, While waiting for the show to begin: surrounded by said hip UH students chatting, me and Rick were studying Game Theory and Richard was working on Elec on his computer.
UH is nice:
- Wendy's.
- More people = more excitement
- continuation from above: The campus has a general buzz. It feels like a college.
- asians!
- Kevjumba's Dad was there!
- It was also interesting seeing how frenzied people were to meet the performers. People were even clamoring to get pictures with Kevin's dad(I'll admit i was one of those people). Johnny made a really good point to me a while back...we get so pumped and excited just to see/be close to celebrities. Yet, we're blessed with the opportunity to talk and pray to God whenever. Puts things into perspective doesn't it.
---------------------
*The main purpose of the B Here campaign is actually to spread awareness about Hepatitis B (aka the greatest health disparity between Asian and Caucasian Americans). For more info check out www.willyoubhere.com
**That said, David Choi is still my favorite <3 href="http://www.youtube.com/kevjumba#p/a">Kev Jumba (from Houston's very own Clements High School) and his Dad, Filipino Comedian Christine Gambito (HappySlip), 14 year old singing sensation/budding J-lo Jessica Sanchez (I'm pretty sure a lot of the guys in the audience were 1. disbelieving of and 2. dissappointed by her age), and another girl...forgot her name
10.12.2009
Texas State Affare:
"Pre-Game":
- couple sausage patties
- donut holes
- banana
- cup of milk
"Main Event":
- foot-long chili cheese dog
- bite of german sausage
- fried peaches and cream
- funnel cake w/ strawberry and apple topping
- fried alligator
- dollar dog
- bite of fried oreo
- viva las vegas fried ice cream
- slice of pizza
"Encore":
- McDouble
- Spicy McChicken
'Twas a good day.
- couple sausage patties
- donut holes
- banana
- cup of milk
"Main Event":
- foot-long chili cheese dog
- bite of german sausage
- fried peaches and cream
- funnel cake w/ strawberry and apple topping
- fried alligator
- dollar dog
- bite of fried oreo
- viva las vegas fried ice cream
- slice of pizza
"Encore":
- McDouble
- Spicy McChicken
'Twas a good day.
10.05.2009
"i have no idea how i'm going to play this live, because it's definitely the most emotionally confrontational song for me....ya know, time is moving forward, all the time, and we know that, but..its kind of like running out of a continually burning hallway- and you can't go back and get your stuff. and all i wanna do is yell, 'i wanna go get my stuff!', but people are going, 'you can't! keep running!!'. and this fireball's coming up behind you, well it's not exactly as indiana jones as that, but it feels like that sometimes... so this is a song begging to go back and uhh, it's called 'stop this train"
- john mayer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e1FHJkVoFE
- john mayer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e1FHJkVoFE
4.27.2009
A work in progress
I very obviously fail at this whole blogging business so hopefully this monster makes up for over a month of not posting.
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CHEM 210
What do you want to be when you grow up?
“Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.” 1 John 3:2
For me, the future is like a Tootsie Pop. Both are mysterious and uncertain -- does anyone know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Both also have a core that remains to be seen. In many ways, this year I have learned to revel in that uncertainty, because it makes me realize how sovereign God really is over our lives and it makes the certainty of Christ that much more amazing. Even though I have so many questions about the future -- Who will I become? Where will I live? What will I do? Who will I fall in love with and marry? How is it all going to happen? – I know that the Lord will determine my steps and lead me down a path of his calling.
Raised in a Christian household, I was familiar with all the bible stories from an early age. My mom tells me I was quite the eager student, as I would march around church reciting the Ten Commandments and making sure people were abiding by them. I first welcomed Jesus into my life when I was six. I had nearly drowned in a pool, but my dad pulled me out and then went on to explain the idea of salvation to me. Looking back, it’s hard for me to comprehend how I could have understood at such a young age, especially since I still feel like an infant in Christ. I always was very “Christian,” but I think I had a distorted understanding of “belief” and largely lived the way I did out of habit and routine.
In the middle of eighth grade, everything changed. My dad got a call and before I could blink, think, or process, my parents and I were whisked away to a faraway land, Shanghai. Having grown up a Texan, I expected a huge culture shock, but surprisingly, I almost immediately felt at home. For the first time, I was part of the majority; I felt a connection to my heritage and was proud to be Chinese. While most of my classmates lived in gated, expatriate compounds, plastic replicas of American suburbia, I lived right in the city, my neighbor a bootleg vendor, the view from my window a rack of drying panties. At the same time, I joined my first fellowship and for the first time was “on fire” for Christ. It was here in China that I first confronted my identity as Chinese and Christian on my own terms. Two years after moving to China, I made my way to a boarding school in New Hampshire. While there, I met brilliant people from all over the world. Most of them were not Christian; many of them were and will be very successful. I joined a fellowship there, but did I really need God?
Fortunately, God has an interesting and surprising way of working in my life. I never expected to be at a school like Rice and never imagined I would be back in Texas for college, but God has really blessed me by bringing me back “home.
“You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify god in your body”
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Right now, I have one clear ambition for my life. I don’t want to waste it. While this may seem like an uninspired goal, reminiscent of someone who lacks ambition, rather it signifies my foremost desire to live a life for Christ. As important as selecting a career may be, I’m more concerned about who I’ll become than what I’ll become. I want to be someone who glorifies God in everything he does. When people see me, I hope they see Christ within, and I hope that they will be drawn all the more to God’s purpose and promise. Whatever field I’m put in, whether it is on the front lines as a missionary, or in the confines of a cubicle, I hope to be a humble servant and a shining light. I hope that every passion I have, whether for a person or a hobby or a job, will be secondary to my passion for God, and that no thing of this world becomes my God. The way I see it and the Bible tells it, if at the end of my life I’m not right with God then what was the point?
Of course, this is all easier said than done. I mess up every day. Naturally reserved and easily perturbed, I’m quick to judge and resent. I often talk the talk but don’t walk the walk, and I’m not a very good student – I flee from responsibility and often collapse in the face of deadlines. When it comes to faith and trust, I am so fickle. There are times when I wonder if it truly is my desire to put God first. Who am I fooling? It’s times like these that I thank God for the comfort and stability he offers through both his Word and through fellowship.
I praise God for allowing me to find a fellowship that pushes me to grow and yearn more, to want to know God more. In high school I understood what it meant to have faith and passion, but only since coming to college have I realized how important it is to know and understand God by reading his word and praying continually. It’s been a blessing and a great joy to learn from and draw off the more mature, motivated, and driven members of the group and I hope God can use me in the same way to impact those who are to come. Although I have never really savored any leadership roles, almost always shying away from the spotlight and opting to be in the background, I hope to rise and be a leader in the fellowship if that is God’s will for me (I realize I have to become a better student first though, both academically and spiritually).
Without a doubt, the most important reason why I must become a leader is so that I can one day become a father and husband. Aside from my desire for spiritual growth, my hope for a family is foremost in my mind (in fact, to be completely honest I think I sometimes might even put it ahead of my spiritual aspirations). I hope some day that God will provide me a “soul mate,” with whom I can spend and share my life. The kind of kid in high school that would write love letters and make mix-tapes, I always had a romanticized notion of love, but I’ve realized how fleeting feelings can be and how necessary it is for relationships to be God-centered. I hope to find someone who inspires me and understands me and will keep me accountable to Christ. In turn, I pray that I will be a ready husband, patient and kind and faithful. If kids come into the picture I look forward to telling them stories/showing them pictures (will Facebook still exist then?) and teaching them about life and about loving God. I think I’m eager to have my own family because I feel like family is one of God’s greatest gifts to us. It’s also just nice to have people around to share your life with (being an only child can be a lonely experience).
In contrast to my spiritual and familial goals, my career goals are rather murky and uncertain. This lack of focus and direction is in part the result of constant change of interest. At different points in my life I’ve wanted to be an architect, an NBA star, a writer, a professional poker player, a general manager, and a sports journalist. It’s also in part due to my unawareness of the opportunities out there, my hesitance to commit to anything I’m uncertain about, and my tendency to dream and contemplate but not act. That said, in the past few years, I’ve started to see some shape to my future.
Through discussions with my dad earlier this year, I began to develop a curiosity in commercial banking. Although I once viewed it as a very stiff profession that involved a lot of suit-wearing and hand-shaking, I’ve come to see it more as a way in which I can serve others (as a doctor of their finances). In the ways my dad describes it, banking seems to fit my personality and skill set. It also appeals to me because I have an interest in microfinance and microcredit. In high school I took a class called “Why are Poor Nations Poor?” and read about the work the Grameen Bank did in Bangladesh, and here at Rice, I’ve seen the amazing things Rice Microfinance has been able to accomplish and been exposed to all the possibilities and opportunities out there. All this has made me more and more intrigued by the ways in which we can really change the lives of people in need. Earlier in the term, Dale Dawson, formerly a banker and founder of Bridge2Rwanda, an enterprise committed to creating a “new generation of well-educated, entrepreneurial, servant leaders in Rwanda,” came to talk on campus. His talk, mostly covering his company’s mission to build schools and businesses in Rwanda and to cultivate a crop of Christ-seeking individuals equipped to bring about sustainable change, planted a few seeds in my brain and my heart. With a love for traveling and seeing new cultures (I’ve been to 21 countries), and an ability to adapt to new places, I’m drawn to the idea of living, working, and ministering in a foreign country. It’s true I haven’t invested myself in this enough to call it an aspiration just yet and maybe it’s just another “phase,” but something I’ve considered is one day starting or becoming a part of something like Bridge2Rwanda or the Grameen Bank or Kiva (online micro-lending). For now though, I just hope to take advantage of the opportunities at hand and prepare myself for the future. Over the summer I will be able to attend a training program with HSBC (Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation), which will hopefully shed some light on my future prospects as a banker. I’ll also be working on my Chinese, so that if I’m ever called to China in the future I will be ready.
As I continue to embark on this journey of exploration and development, I finally aspire to be daring. I wish for the ability to push myself out of my comfort zone every now and then and not be afraid of failure and embarrassment. I hope for a shameless faith and an undying passion for Christ so that “when he appears, [I] shall be like him.”
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CHEM 210
What do you want to be when you grow up?
“Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.” 1 John 3:2
For me, the future is like a Tootsie Pop. Both are mysterious and uncertain -- does anyone know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Both also have a core that remains to be seen. In many ways, this year I have learned to revel in that uncertainty, because it makes me realize how sovereign God really is over our lives and it makes the certainty of Christ that much more amazing. Even though I have so many questions about the future -- Who will I become? Where will I live? What will I do? Who will I fall in love with and marry? How is it all going to happen? – I know that the Lord will determine my steps and lead me down a path of his calling.
Raised in a Christian household, I was familiar with all the bible stories from an early age. My mom tells me I was quite the eager student, as I would march around church reciting the Ten Commandments and making sure people were abiding by them. I first welcomed Jesus into my life when I was six. I had nearly drowned in a pool, but my dad pulled me out and then went on to explain the idea of salvation to me. Looking back, it’s hard for me to comprehend how I could have understood at such a young age, especially since I still feel like an infant in Christ. I always was very “Christian,” but I think I had a distorted understanding of “belief” and largely lived the way I did out of habit and routine.
In the middle of eighth grade, everything changed. My dad got a call and before I could blink, think, or process, my parents and I were whisked away to a faraway land, Shanghai. Having grown up a Texan, I expected a huge culture shock, but surprisingly, I almost immediately felt at home. For the first time, I was part of the majority; I felt a connection to my heritage and was proud to be Chinese. While most of my classmates lived in gated, expatriate compounds, plastic replicas of American suburbia, I lived right in the city, my neighbor a bootleg vendor, the view from my window a rack of drying panties. At the same time, I joined my first fellowship and for the first time was “on fire” for Christ. It was here in China that I first confronted my identity as Chinese and Christian on my own terms. Two years after moving to China, I made my way to a boarding school in New Hampshire. While there, I met brilliant people from all over the world. Most of them were not Christian; many of them were and will be very successful. I joined a fellowship there, but did I really need God?
Fortunately, God has an interesting and surprising way of working in my life. I never expected to be at a school like Rice and never imagined I would be back in Texas for college, but God has really blessed me by bringing me back “home.
“You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify god in your body”
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Right now, I have one clear ambition for my life. I don’t want to waste it. While this may seem like an uninspired goal, reminiscent of someone who lacks ambition, rather it signifies my foremost desire to live a life for Christ. As important as selecting a career may be, I’m more concerned about who I’ll become than what I’ll become. I want to be someone who glorifies God in everything he does. When people see me, I hope they see Christ within, and I hope that they will be drawn all the more to God’s purpose and promise. Whatever field I’m put in, whether it is on the front lines as a missionary, or in the confines of a cubicle, I hope to be a humble servant and a shining light. I hope that every passion I have, whether for a person or a hobby or a job, will be secondary to my passion for God, and that no thing of this world becomes my God. The way I see it and the Bible tells it, if at the end of my life I’m not right with God then what was the point?
Of course, this is all easier said than done. I mess up every day. Naturally reserved and easily perturbed, I’m quick to judge and resent. I often talk the talk but don’t walk the walk, and I’m not a very good student – I flee from responsibility and often collapse in the face of deadlines. When it comes to faith and trust, I am so fickle. There are times when I wonder if it truly is my desire to put God first. Who am I fooling? It’s times like these that I thank God for the comfort and stability he offers through both his Word and through fellowship.
I praise God for allowing me to find a fellowship that pushes me to grow and yearn more, to want to know God more. In high school I understood what it meant to have faith and passion, but only since coming to college have I realized how important it is to know and understand God by reading his word and praying continually. It’s been a blessing and a great joy to learn from and draw off the more mature, motivated, and driven members of the group and I hope God can use me in the same way to impact those who are to come. Although I have never really savored any leadership roles, almost always shying away from the spotlight and opting to be in the background, I hope to rise and be a leader in the fellowship if that is God’s will for me (I realize I have to become a better student first though, both academically and spiritually).
Without a doubt, the most important reason why I must become a leader is so that I can one day become a father and husband. Aside from my desire for spiritual growth, my hope for a family is foremost in my mind (in fact, to be completely honest I think I sometimes might even put it ahead of my spiritual aspirations). I hope some day that God will provide me a “soul mate,” with whom I can spend and share my life. The kind of kid in high school that would write love letters and make mix-tapes, I always had a romanticized notion of love, but I’ve realized how fleeting feelings can be and how necessary it is for relationships to be God-centered. I hope to find someone who inspires me and understands me and will keep me accountable to Christ. In turn, I pray that I will be a ready husband, patient and kind and faithful. If kids come into the picture I look forward to telling them stories/showing them pictures (will Facebook still exist then?) and teaching them about life and about loving God. I think I’m eager to have my own family because I feel like family is one of God’s greatest gifts to us. It’s also just nice to have people around to share your life with (being an only child can be a lonely experience).
In contrast to my spiritual and familial goals, my career goals are rather murky and uncertain. This lack of focus and direction is in part the result of constant change of interest. At different points in my life I’ve wanted to be an architect, an NBA star, a writer, a professional poker player, a general manager, and a sports journalist. It’s also in part due to my unawareness of the opportunities out there, my hesitance to commit to anything I’m uncertain about, and my tendency to dream and contemplate but not act. That said, in the past few years, I’ve started to see some shape to my future.
Through discussions with my dad earlier this year, I began to develop a curiosity in commercial banking. Although I once viewed it as a very stiff profession that involved a lot of suit-wearing and hand-shaking, I’ve come to see it more as a way in which I can serve others (as a doctor of their finances). In the ways my dad describes it, banking seems to fit my personality and skill set. It also appeals to me because I have an interest in microfinance and microcredit. In high school I took a class called “Why are Poor Nations Poor?” and read about the work the Grameen Bank did in Bangladesh, and here at Rice, I’ve seen the amazing things Rice Microfinance has been able to accomplish and been exposed to all the possibilities and opportunities out there. All this has made me more and more intrigued by the ways in which we can really change the lives of people in need. Earlier in the term, Dale Dawson, formerly a banker and founder of Bridge2Rwanda, an enterprise committed to creating a “new generation of well-educated, entrepreneurial, servant leaders in Rwanda,” came to talk on campus. His talk, mostly covering his company’s mission to build schools and businesses in Rwanda and to cultivate a crop of Christ-seeking individuals equipped to bring about sustainable change, planted a few seeds in my brain and my heart. With a love for traveling and seeing new cultures (I’ve been to 21 countries), and an ability to adapt to new places, I’m drawn to the idea of living, working, and ministering in a foreign country. It’s true I haven’t invested myself in this enough to call it an aspiration just yet and maybe it’s just another “phase,” but something I’ve considered is one day starting or becoming a part of something like Bridge2Rwanda or the Grameen Bank or Kiva (online micro-lending). For now though, I just hope to take advantage of the opportunities at hand and prepare myself for the future. Over the summer I will be able to attend a training program with HSBC (Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation), which will hopefully shed some light on my future prospects as a banker. I’ll also be working on my Chinese, so that if I’m ever called to China in the future I will be ready.
As I continue to embark on this journey of exploration and development, I finally aspire to be daring. I wish for the ability to push myself out of my comfort zone every now and then and not be afraid of failure and embarrassment. I hope for a shameless faith and an undying passion for Christ so that “when he appears, [I] shall be like him.”
3.18.2009
what a beautiful day today was
"God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good." Genesis 1:31
2.14.2009
slow and easy friday nights
so this is what i did with my friday night... (oo, i also saw part of space jam again! so good...)
http://www.youtube.com/user/sheepwarrior77
Also, Happy Valentines Day!! share the love!
(check it out, very cute: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwQBWDkodvk&feature=subscription)
http://www.youtube.com/user/sheepwarrior77
Also, Happy Valentines Day!! share the love!
(check it out, very cute: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwQBWDkodvk&feature=subscription)
2.12.2009
Sunrises and Sleeping In
"the view"
Lately, I have been sleeping in a lot. I don't think it's because I've been fatigued or anything. I think sleep is just a good escape sometimes (in part this is just me not manning up to the fact that I'm not responsible enough to wake up hah), and aside from that, dreams are awesome. I thank god for dreams. I like dreams.
At the same time though, I miss days when I would wake up early. Even with my roommate breathing heavily feet away, I'd feel a sense of peace and calm. In the fleeting moments before the sun rose, it would be dark outside and silence would fill the air. Everything had momentarily slowed to a stand still. No worries, no qualms, just the steady inhale/exhale coming from my asthmatic roommate, a peace with myself, a peace with God. But then almost instantaneously, magically the sky would erupt into a sea of colors, darkness fading into light: purple, red, orange, and all the shades and spectrums in between. And it's at moments like these when all you can do is be filled with wonder. You just think to yourself wow... how awesome is this god that created all the earth, that made you and me.
But why do these just have to be moments, ticks in time interspersed throughout our busy days? Why is it that when the sun finally rises, and the world sets off in motion again that we can so easily forget about God, and can so easily glance over the beauty of his creation. Being awestruck by God shouldn't be a momentary thing, it shouldn't be something that is dictated by "moods." If anything, the mood is right at all times to be taken aback by the awesomeness of God. So praise him and give thanks to him in the morning, when the sun is rising and all is still, praise him as you walk to class and pass by green grass, bending and lilting in the breeze, and obese squirrels oblivious to the world around them. Praise him in class as you are nodding off to sleep and drool is dripping down your chin onto your calculus notes. Praise him over dinner as you eat the same monotonous food you do every day. Praise him when you are happy, praise him when you are sad, praise him when everything seems to be going your way, praise him when you are mad at the world and just want to punch some walls. Praise him when he gives you the desires of your heart, praise him when he takes away.
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth." Genesis 1:1
He is awesome, and all powerful. He is ever-present and everywhere. He is loving, he is faithful, he is merciful.
Next time you feel down in the dumps, take a moment to think things through. God created the heavens and the earth. Don't you think he's probably got things under control?
2.10.2009
Psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
2.07.2009
| I’m forgiven because You were forsaken I’m accepted, You were condemned I’m alive and well, Your Spirit is within me Because You died and rose again Amazing love, how can it be That You, my King, should die for me? Amazing love, I know it’s true It’s my joy to honor You In all I do, to honor You You are my King You are my King Jesus, You are my King You are my King -------------------------------------- It's almost surreal looking back on all my xanga posts from high school (2-3 years ago). I've changed so much since then; it's like reading someone else's diary. I recognize the events, but at the same time, I feel so detached from it all. I almost forget that it is me (yet at the same time not really. It's confusing!). I guess this is both good and bad...Some of the stuff I said and did back then seems so silly or juvenile. I seem so simple. Just some teenage kid talking about his daily dalliances (or lack thereof) -- well...i guess that's still me. At the same time though, this kid has a wisdom from God, or at least a sincere desire for that wisdom, that I feel like I sort of lost in my two years at boarding school. Even with his mostly non-christrian friends, Kid is unafraid, unashamed to speak of this desire, this search, this love, this God. I'm only several years separated from this kid, but I feel like I'm several decades away looking back (not that I really know what several decades feels like). Despite this huge abyss separating current me from past me, I feel like slightly more mature, slightly less naive jonathan can learn a little something from young Jonathan. Let's be Wide Open. Let us not care what the world thinks of us for in the end it was God who created us and it is God alone that can judge us. Let us share his love with those around us... Let's Soar 24/7 |
2.03.2009
Exeter is Ridiculous
I didnt realize nearly 1/3 of my graduating class applied to Harvard. Crazy..
2.02.2009
Personality Test: Being a Person of God
So i was taking some personality tests today and apparently I am a INFP (or Dreamer) which stands for:
Perceiving
Usually I detest personality tests. I hate having to choose between just a few options (sometimes just Yes or No) cause I don't want to be misrepresented. And despite the knowledge that i shouldnt rely on a personality test to define for me who i am, I sometimes think that the results i get subconsciously and sneakily get into my system and affect the way i view myself...
Surprisingly though, the test i took today was quite accurate (too an extent at least)...
This is the description of INFP's:
"INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal. "
Some "expert quotes" on INFP that i agree with:
"Their job must be fun, although not racous, and it must be meaningful to them. They need a strong purpose in their work. They want to be recognized and valued, without undue attention given to them. They may become embarrassed when make the center of attention. As a result, they may undersell their strengths in order to avoid being singled out and made to feel conspicuous. They would rather have their worth be noticed gradually over time."
"INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life."
Some Notable INFP's (though in some cases im not sure how they would know):
- Aldous Huxley
- Amy Tan
- Audrey Hepburn
- George Orwell
- Helen Keller
- JRR Tolkien
- John, Luke, and Mary from the Bible
- John F Kennedy
- Princess Diana
- Shakespeare
- Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes
- E.T.
On a more depressing note, a lot of INFP traits are pretty sad:
"loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings..."
- Most likely of all the types to report suicidal thoughts in college.
- "more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic"
Sounds pretty emo lol.
---------
Fun as these tests might be though, I realize I don't have to be boxed in by them. I know who I am and don't need some online quiz to tell me what that might be. That said, someone who knows me better even than myself is God. And lately I've been realizing more and more that he does have a plan for me and that he will make me into the person that I will one day become (not that I should just sit back idly and let him transform me). He has a will and a way and if i just follow that i will be at peace -- i won't need some test, or other people, or society, or the media, or whatever telling me what i am or what i should be.
I was really glad the sermon today was about God's Will as that has been something I've been struggling with all term, and in fact all year. It felt like a little nudge from God, or a reminder, that he is and will always be there. That he knows and understands the desires of my heart and the struggles I go through that weigh me down.
James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
This is something I hope I can always look to as I continue to embark on this journey that for now remains T.B.D
Usually I detest personality tests. I hate having to choose between just a few options (sometimes just Yes or No) cause I don't want to be misrepresented. And despite the knowledge that i shouldnt rely on a personality test to define for me who i am, I sometimes think that the results i get subconsciously and sneakily get into my system and affect the way i view myself...
Surprisingly though, the test i took today was quite accurate (too an extent at least)...
This is the description of INFP's:
"INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal. "
Some "expert quotes" on INFP that i agree with:
"Their job must be fun, although not racous, and it must be meaningful to them. They need a strong purpose in their work. They want to be recognized and valued, without undue attention given to them. They may become embarrassed when make the center of attention. As a result, they may undersell their strengths in order to avoid being singled out and made to feel conspicuous. They would rather have their worth be noticed gradually over time."
"INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life."
Some Notable INFP's (though in some cases im not sure how they would know):
- Aldous Huxley
- Amy Tan
- Audrey Hepburn
- George Orwell
- Helen Keller
- JRR Tolkien
- John, Luke, and Mary from the Bible
- John F Kennedy
- Princess Diana
- Shakespeare
- Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes
- E.T.
On a more depressing note, a lot of INFP traits are pretty sad:
"loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings..."
- Most likely of all the types to report suicidal thoughts in college.
- "more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic"
Sounds pretty emo lol.
---------
Fun as these tests might be though, I realize I don't have to be boxed in by them. I know who I am and don't need some online quiz to tell me what that might be. That said, someone who knows me better even than myself is God. And lately I've been realizing more and more that he does have a plan for me and that he will make me into the person that I will one day become (not that I should just sit back idly and let him transform me). He has a will and a way and if i just follow that i will be at peace -- i won't need some test, or other people, or society, or the media, or whatever telling me what i am or what i should be.
I was really glad the sermon today was about God's Will as that has been something I've been struggling with all term, and in fact all year. It felt like a little nudge from God, or a reminder, that he is and will always be there. That he knows and understands the desires of my heart and the struggles I go through that weigh me down.
James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
This is something I hope I can always look to as I continue to embark on this journey that for now remains T.B.D
2.01.2009
Psalm 143
1 O LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah
7 Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
1.16.2009
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